The Everlasting Loop

Cruuuuuuuuuuuusty...........Rusty

2010-04-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

Someone said "I'm crusty today".

It reminds me of a guy I knew called Rusty. He was a German man with one leg and a pet beagle. He was also a male prostitute, but only in his spare time….and not for money….so he was more “slutty” I guess. Its not important.

So Rusty and I are at Union Station in Toronto shooting up Windex, when all of a sudden Batman kicked him in the head and called him a “Scumbag”. On second thought, maybe it wasn’t Batman at all…I was pretty messed up on Windex. So messed up in fact, that I killed Rusty’s beagle when I thought it was an ottoman....

3 years later, Rusty was a crusty old man. We lived in Lower Mongolia at that point and managed a small lion preserve. So Crusty Rusty, me and Betty the Lion are shooting up Windex and when ALL OF A SUDDEN Superman kicks Rusty Crustofferson in the leg. THE LEG! So Superman is a douche, apparently. Who knew. Superman was also a lion, by the way. Who knew.

Rusty was well known for mixing his rye with Old Spice, much like Lothar and Homless Jim from old folk tales. He said it was “For flavourin’”. Not sure what that meant. But I once added my own “flavourin’” to his rye to test him. He drank it. He’s been blind ever since.

Last month we buried Crusty Rusty. He died doing what he loved most……………you guessed it………..tying his shoes. At his funeral, I sang “The Wind Beneath My Wings” but replaced the chorus with:

Did you ever know I killed your beaaaaaaagle?

I traded your rye with a cup of peeeeeeeee

I can fly high and it’s all legaaaaaaaaaaaaal

Superman, lions and Old Spice

I miss Crusty.

GORP

2009-04-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

"Gorp gorp gorp gorp gorp gorp gorp gorp"
"Good ole Raisins and Peanuts?"
"Fascist!!! Kill The Fascist!!!!"
*Bang*

PacMan was found guilty due to mental defect and sentenced to undergo psychiatric treatment in a supervised care facility.

Poor man of the pac...nobody understood him.

Robo-lov

2009-04-13T13:55:00.001-07:00

Monday Nights Are Magical

2009-02-24T11:07:00.001-08:00

“I think you know what I mean, Sam”

About 30 seconds after slapping Samuel, Cindy knew that she had loved him all her life.

“I am in love with you and I don’t care who hears it! If it means slapping you again, I will” She was deadly serious and very hungry at that point. She was also a bit uncomfortable because the new latex underwear she had bought to “slim her figure” were chaffing and causing her eczema to flare up.

It could have been the underwear, or also that Samuel was himself made of latex. The finest latex money could buy, Mister!

Samuel looked at Cindy with a blank expression. It made her crazy….in love. This isn’t just any blow up doll she thought.

It was Monday “fight” night with Sam

Advice for tester

2009-02-24T10:15:00.001-08:00

My carvinorous Uncle Will once gave me some valuable advice when it came to being a tester.

I'm sure it was good advice, I just can't remember what it was. I think it had something to do with "watching out for them goddammed bees".

Uncle Will was a bear.

Typical

2008-07-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

...But there wasn't really all that much which was "special" about this family. The satellites, dad in a cage, dead mom and a pretentious son pretending to be the government were all staples of every day family life in SouthWest Scoobia. In fact, the Rudkhoelers down the street were in a similar situation to ??? and !!! Jamesmaith.

Asterisk and Nemo Rudkhoeler were father and son. Nemo kept his father Asterisk in a cage but only because Asterisk kinda liked it and all the cool kids were doing it. Really, it was a win-win situation for all involved.

Over the years of being neighbours a bitter rivalry grew between the Rudkhoelers and the Jamesmaiths. Their recent antics had attracted the attention of the true government of SouthWest Scoobia who, incidentally viewed most of it's citizens as delusional idiots.

The recent capture of Amalgamation man (an undercover government informant) by the Jamesmaith family was the latest in a long line of one-ups that the two families had engaged in. The government of SouthWest Scoobia was enraged.

???’s Dad, !!!

2008-07-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

When your name is !!!, what can you name a child other than Jim

I mean, having gone back to those old times, the 1980’s, I would have done the same. When !!! married :::, it was like his life finally had punctuation. Like his incomplete and fragmented sentences could finally end. I mean, how many !!!s get to marry a :::? And the legacy was clear when ::: was pregnant….the child had to be Jim. No more punctuation names.

But ::: died at childbirth so !!! was a bit of a bastard and named the newborn ???

???!

So ??? resented !!! growing up, as much as !!! resented ??? for taking away :::

The Question of Kenny J

2008-07-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

Kenny J was thrust unceremoniously into an imposing conference room by the guard he like to think of as "captain swears-a-lot". In front of him at the head of the long conference room there was a large chair on a pedestal and in that chair sat an odd looking man with piercing eyes. The man just stared.

Kenny walked toward the chair

"Who the F*CK are you?"

"My name is..." The man held up a flash card with three question marks on it.

"Uh ok... and how exactly do you pronounce that?"

The man sighed. "Question mark question mark question mark"

"Are you F'n Kidding me?"

"No, well you see, my dad's was a real jerkface"

Kenny heard another voice but couldn't identify the source "I heard that, you little prick!!"

The man screamed "Shut up Dad or else they'll be no pop tarts for you tonight!"

The unseen voice meekly said "ok"

??? looked up and said "Don't mind him, he's crazy"

Kenny followed ???'s eyes up to see a cage hanging from the ceiling . It's occupant, a naked old man.

Penal Code Violation - 33.5.9c – Subject has inflamed gums

2008-07-14T08:56:00.001-07:00

SWAT LEADER: Kenneth JizzBaumler! Lay down with your hands on the ground!

Kenny J., as his friends called him, was in the washroom trying to pry the kernel of popcorn that had so badly inflamed his gums when he was tackled and put in an arm-bar….subdued on the floor.

SWAT LEADER: Our satellite picked up your little postal code violation, f*cknut. You’re in big trouble now!

The SWAT leader’s dialogue was badly written, but well executed.

SWAT LEADER: You know what the penalty is, don’t you… you little f*ck! PENAL code infractions require PENAL code punishment. You’re going to see the chief on this one, you little rat-faced f*ck.

The SWAT leader swore for no reason, it seems. Or he was attempting to intimidate Kenny J.

Kenny J.: What’s your supervisor’s name?

SWAT Leader: Who? The Chief? ???? (This was pronounced “Question Mark, Question Mark, Question Mark”) you little mouse-turd f*ckball! You think your gums are inflamed now? Wait until ??? gets a hold of you.

SecretSpace Headquarters

2008-06-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

Peon: Sir, Satellite SSMRS 8.11.93.a has detected a postal code infraction. You said you wanted to be notified
??? : Has SWAT been dispatched?
Peon: Yes Sir!
???: Excellent! Leave me!
???: So it begins...

SSMRS 8.11.93.a

2008-06-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

Secret Space Mind Reading Satellite 8.11.93a Online
Orbit : Stable
SSMRS> INFRACTION DETECTED!!
SSMRS> Subject Information
==========================
Name : Kenneth JizzBaumler
SIN : 009338243
AKA : Amalgamation Man, A.M
Offence : POSTAL CODE DISSENT - penal code violation 33.5.9c

Writing to database for future prosecution...
SUCCESS

Dispatching SWAT...
SUCCESS

SSMRS> ONLINE...scanning

Amalgamation man and his band of deformed Puppets........

2008-06-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

"Let's make these 5 townships a whole City!" Said A.M.

"That's ludirous! Think of the Postal Code implications!" said Zorpan the Puppet Zsar

"Screw Postal Codes!"

"You wish you could, you perv."

The Devil You Know, Part 1: Ra-Thol, The Scorned Devil-Harpy

2007-06-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Sure, you think Harpies are clawed bird-ladies…but they have a soul too.

They really do.

Some Harpies, it would seem, even search for greater meaning in their lives and forgo the meandering nomad life of their kind.

“CAWWWWWWWWWWWCAWKSUCKERS!” cawed Ra-thol as she swoop down and scared the passer-bys for shits and giggles.

She often tormented bystanders as it brought her joy. Joy in the form of an orgasm. YEAH, she’s kinda gross like that.

Ra-Thol was born in a place that for dramatic purpose, I don’t wish to divulge at this point, to parents that I don’t want you to know about in order to build tension. Her father was someone. Her mother was perhaps someone else. But I don’t want to tell you because it would spoil the story and the internet is already bad enough for that.

**SPOILER***

Lothar is her dad

Lothar LIX: The New Threat

2007-01-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

Angus decided it was time to spend more time on Research and Technology in order to push his creations to meet the highest "Lothar" standards. Evebody in the world (the world according to Lothar) knew that it was time to spend more time on Research and Technology. At least that's what was decided during the previous election campaign. Who knew a hero would rise? Angus knew... unconsciously... he did. He knew so bad he didn't know what he was doing. Angus was gay, no one knew... but he did. He did know so very well he'd fuck it all but he didn't... all in the name of class. Angus prepared himself... he knew...

Angus knew it all, we don't know why he did... he just did... Some books say he knew because of the juice he drank from Lary David's balls... balls that produced a magnificent juice... a sweet juice. A serum. An orgasm.

Far far away, approx. 2.1 km away...
A new threat there was. A big threat. Angus started thinking: "Lothar LIX must become a super hero". Not any kind of hero, a hero with super powers. A hero with hero powers. Powers that would give hope to the world (the world according to Lothar). However, Angus knew. He knew that Lothar LIX wasn't up for the challenge. He had spent so many hours cloning Lothars, learning about them, getting to know them, killing them. He knew LIX was THE clone but he doubted...

One would say: "Why did Angus doubted?"
Some would answers: "Who needs a reason?"
Others would answers: "Because he's gay!!!"

But that's not here nor there.
We are here to explore extra sensible experiences and try to explain them.

The threat started 10 mins ago. 10 non-human minutes. Bishop started to take shape... and started to become evil...

Lothar LIX

2006-11-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

Lothar LIX: a clone. 59th in a series of clones created by his master Angus McDougall. Angus liked to toy with the Lothar genetic code trying to produce a superior yet obedient Lothar. LIX was the closest yet to perfection. There were other clones after LIX. LX was born with a genetic deformity, Angus called it, of having large gonads. Angus had the clone destroyed : Reason? LX was obviously defective...

Lothar LIX wondered how Angus knew which clones were defective and which were not. In fact, Angus McDougall did not much care for the cloning program...it was a distraction to him to deal with the boredom of ruling his new kingdom. Lower Granola. There was no war, no poverty, no disease. Angus had fixed all that after the first Lothar died. He had created an utter paradise on earth and eternal boredom. Research and technology was at a complete standstill. This was promising because it threatened the economy. But Lothar knew better then to hope for an economic crash. The economy of Lower Granola was foolproof. boredom...After undoing all that Lothar had wrought there was nothing left for Angus to do but rule a kingdom that took care of itself.

Angus tried everything....would have turned to drugs or religion but he had them banned from his kingdom. The plan now was to breed a new Lothar...To establish Lothar and a group of individuals as a terrorist organization and shake things up a bit in the kingdom. The people grew stagnant...they were devolving in Angus' paradise. It was time to give them something to worry about.

HIM...Lothar. That's where the cloning came in. But not one Lothar seemed to be right for the job. Angus still needed to maintain control over the Lothar clone...in case things got out of hand he could reel him in...it was always the same with them either complete wussy idiots or uncontrolable psychopaths. Then there were all the deformed clones to think of...So far, Lothar LIX was the closest to the original. Almost controlable but not quite...Almost Lothar but not quite..Still Angus couldn't destroy him...and he didn't know why.

My Cold Dead hand: Or How Angus Macdougall survived to the 31st Century

2006-11-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

He laid back on the psycho-throttle with but a thought. “I dinnah want to go too fast” he thought.

Angus MacDougall defied all science and logic. Having survived for hundreds of thousands of years, he had become weary of life for the last millennia. He wondered why, but deep down inside, he knew the answer. LOTHAR.

Lothar had been dead for some time, having tripped and fallen. Angus, who witnessed his arch-nemesis’ burial (witnessed….I mean….he did it himself….Lothar was buried in his backyard), knew that his life was incomplete since he didn’t get to kill the SOB.

What now? Cloning was an option for at least 500 years, but who wants to pummel a clone when you can do it for free on Clone Beggin’ Alley? Its just not the same.

Angus masturbated that night. He masturbated for all the times he an Lothar shared. Not because he was gay though….but because he was demented.

...But it yet remains to be seen

2006-11-15T13:09:00.000-08:00

On the off chance that someone were to ress-urect(ion) a character or two...it could take off again...maybe...if you wished really hard, it could be big.

Probably not.....

2006-11-15T04:54:00.000-08:00

..........though I have been known to be wrong............

.....from time to time..........

...or would it?

2006-11-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

...

The Neverlasting Loop

2006-11-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

The Null…..the Void…was quiet. The kind of quiet that follows an inappropriate sexually-charged joke at the work place.

Lothar was gone. As where his minions. Lost….forgotten. Buried in the past.

SarZism was extinguished. Bum Crunchits was no longer a fictional character, but what one would find in their shorts a few hours after improperly wiping their asses.

No…the Loop was broken.

There would be no Deus Ex Machina.

But then….like a phoenix….rising from the ashes…..the Loop was reformed, and a new era would begin

The ballad of a lonely man (Chapter 5)

2006-04-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

"Jesus Fucking Christ" I said to myself "what the fuck is going on?"

I had just read the news and couldn't believe it. It was true, the south island of Earth was at war with the north one. This could not be good, this was bad news. After twenty-six years of cease-fire, I though peace was around the corner but the powers that be had decided otherwise. This would complicate my journey. A walking man travelling alone from village to towns to fortresses could only be seen as a spy. I had still not figured out what it was I was travelling for but could not let this stop me. I had to continue on at all cost!

I was now way ahead of schedule and almost at my destination of Burna when something unbelievable happened. I saw another lonely walker. A female one with what seemed in the distance like a nice T and A.

"Ghazim?? Is that you... Oh my god!!" she said
"Please Diane, and not a God!"
"It's true but you sure do fuck like one"

We didn't waste a second after that an proceeded to fulfill or wildest fantasies. I had been waiting for a long while for this to happen and I was now doing it! I was now doing it doggy style with my childhood neighbor.

No Reason to believe... (Chapter 4)

2006-04-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

No Reason To Believe. So read the signs on the walls, in dark alleyways and on the wagons stopped alongside of the train tracks. The youth was without direction. A falling econmy had reduced the chances of a future to pretty much nothing...

Rudy wasn't one to be let down by the first hit. He was a tall, strong and handsome guys... like all others, he was into pigs! He had a dream that one day this world woul rise from its ashes and become what he always wanted it to be: a society where competition was non-existent, cooperation was king and over-powerment was a word of the past. Many had seen some sort of savior in Rudy and followed his writting closely. Where it would lead them was uncertain but uncertain was better than certain death... when you got nothing to loose, you're willing to give it all.

Jim The Groin reads too much (Chapter 3)

2006-04-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

Sure, pig molestation was about as hip as Free Running and portable MP3 players, but Jim wasn't having it.

He was old fashioned.

"Since when is it okay to molest pigs?" he said

"I mean, I understand chimps or monkeys 'cause they ressemble us a bit..."

Just as he said that, a horrible screach came from the kitchen :"EEEEEEEEE! Ouuhahahahahaha!!!!"

Betsy the Chimp, Jimbo's wife, was insulted by the comment.

Jim slept on the couch that night.

Ready. Set. Dirt. (Chapter 2)

2006-03-31T09:38:00.000-08:00

I always travel alone and at night. The long solitary walks along the paths in the forest please me, they make me feel alive. Each step I take leads me deeper into the woods and away from civilization until I find myself into another town.

The one I just left was distinctive by the color of the dirt that seemed to cover everything from the walls of the houses to the skin of its inhabitants.

Dirt. Dirty. Dirtness. Dirtfull. Dirt-a-plenty. It was all I saw in the town of Ovilia. Even the food tasted like dirt..
"Would you like the burger or the meatpie?" asked my waitress

"Does it really matter? It will all taste the same fucking thing!!! DIRT!" I said, bursting from too much time spend eating food that tasted all the same.

This seemed to shock, even offend a few that where in the process of eating their burgers. People started to look at me like I was a passenger in an airplane with a tea-towel on my head! Looking... judging... worrying...

I couldn't stay there long, I wasn't wanted. I had to leave this place... nothing I needed would be found here anyways. I didn't need dirt.

Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Gahzim (Chapter 1)

2006-03-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

"Never trust anyone" my father had told me just before he died "not even me..."

His final words were engraved in my head like ancient carvings on wood. Since the day he died, I had been running away from everything. I had been to places far away, as far away as the far north-east corner of the earth, just before the Falls where everything ends.

See, my world is not yours; our earth is flat and is the center of the world. My name is Gahzim and I'm not gay. I've had occasional experiments with pigs but they were all females.. I checked before I proceeded to fufill myself. I once jumped the wooden gate at old Frances Farm and found the healthiest looking piece of ham there... her name was Ringo, quite a manly name for a non-male. I gave her a go while she squealed... Old Frances heard me but she was never able to track me down!

DEAD CALM

2006-03-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

Thomas had never been to the Ocean. Sure, he had seen pictures of the long stretches of white sand that seemed to go on forever, he had imagined himslef running around in the sand, feeling the warmness on his feet but never had he actually been there. So you can imagine the overwhealming joy when his parents told him: "Thomas, we were thinking of going to North Carolina this summer to see Aunt Clarkin. Would you like that?" Would he? Oh my, it was like a dream come true for little Thomas. For three months, all he did in school was day dream about the day he would finally be there, be in the Ocean...

Days and months passed by and the excitement in Thomas only grew bigger. Then, one day in early August, it was finally happening. Mom, Dad and Thomas were in their Sedan and on their way to North Carolina. The trip seemed to take forever but Thomas didn't mind, he had been waiting for so long that 8 hours of passing landscape didn't seem to bad.

When they finally got to Aunt Clarkin's beach house, Thomas politely kissed his host then ran down to the beach. It was prettier than he ever imagined it. The softness of the sand, the colour of the Ocean, the infinite horizon of the water that seemed to be calling him. He quickly took off his shirt, his red baseball cap and his socks to go for a swim. He could hear his parents yelling something but the crashing of the swell made the yells inaudible. Only one thing mattered now, the Ocean.

He walked in and soon had water up to his waist. Before he knew, the current grabbed him and threw him out to sea. He tried swimming back to shore for a while but the rip was just too strong. His parents, on the shore, were helplessly looking at him while he slowly drowned. How the Ocean looked nice from underwater he though. Everything was so beautiful, so colorful yet so calm.

Dead calm.

I was on a trip...

2006-03-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

"I was on a trip..." said the bacon talking to the kidney.
"... they sent me in this big factory where I met other pig pieces."

The kidney answered "WTF!! you weren't part of Martha before... or were you.... hey!! you were on the beach!! I wanna go too!!"

Heat Oil in Large Saucepan

2006-03-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

The sizzling bacon came from a dead pig. Bought at the local Super-Mega grocery store and packed with a vacuum seal, it had been some time since the bacon was a part of a living organism. Now…it was a sizzling in his frying pan. Quiet. Still. Shattered. Lifeless. Sizzly.

Suddenly, Ringo the Pig (named after Martha’s favourite Beatle) burst into his home and screamed: “That is my flesh, HOMO sapien!”

Ringo killed the man.

With a machete.

And fried up his bacon.

While he sewed back on his now crispy innards.

The moral of the story is clear...Never assume the owner of your bacon is dead.

Gay as the day is long

2006-03-17T11:48:00.000-08:00

Lower Granola....years before...

Lothar sat in the spacious field. Just a lad of 17, his mind was troubled.

You see, he had just licked another man's testicles.

This was the first time this had ever happened. He was disturbed, yet excited.

The man was a local vagabond whom Lothar felt drawn to. Sure, the man was homeless, but he didn't really care. He liked the smell of his cologne on his breath (he drank New Spice).

"Am I gay?"

Naaaaaaaw

Send in the clones...

2006-03-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Lothar really was dead...There was no denying it now... Professor Perrywinkle had failed. All of the attempts to clone Lothar from his remains resulted in utter and complete failure. There was some limited success but after 40 years in a cryo-chamber Lothar's DNA started to degrade. The last remaining work of Prof. Perrywinkle before he disappeared was a notebook detailing his limited successes:

Lothar the Goathairian - Had weird fetishes
Lothar the Parliamentarian - Couldn't decide if he liked government or funk
Lothar the Librarian - NERD!!!
Lothar the Sailor - gay
Lothar the Loserian - Was a HUGE loser
Lothar the Humanitarian - too nice, gay
Lothar the Antiauthoritarian - too non-conformant/conformant, gay
Lothar the Barbarian - gay
Lothar the Sectarian - Obsessed with creating a religous cult and taking over the world, gay
Lothar the Vegetarian - Vegetarian
Lothar the Vulgarian - Nobody liked him
Lothar the Smokarian - pothead
Lothar the Dorkarian - Dork, gay and in the closet
Lothar the Acnerian - had acne, gay
Lothar the perfectly acceptable normal dude who looks like everyone else - Had weird fetishes

There were even less successful attempts which created:

Lothar the amoeba - single celled, gay
Lothar the mamalian reptile - a gay lizard with furry boobs

... to name a few

Professor Perrywinkle noted that a disproportionate number of Lothar clones were gay. Which led him to think possibly that history had reported incorrectly about Lothar...Maybe one of the clones was closer to the real Lothar then he had originally thought.. That, was when he dissapeared and his work was destroyed.

The Evil That Men don't do and are missing out on

2006-03-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

“Because you have a gun to your head”

As Mindy held her ground against the robber. She was shaking slightly, but never let her assailant see it.

“So let me get this straight….you want me to pull my pants down and let you have your way with me then give you all my money?” asked Mindy

“That’s the basic principle, sweet-cheeks” said Rosa the Robber

“And if I resist? YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THIS!” Screamed Mindy

“Then I pull the trigger and you die. Its simple.”

The lovers embraced. This was a fun game. They called it “Cop (a feel) and Robber”

?

2006-03-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

Showers again

2006-02-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

Shower TIme!

2006-02-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

The Legacy of Lothar

2006-02-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

University of New Lower Granola, Year 4006.....

Professor Rayon5- 1003 stood before the class. Since about 30 years before, they stopped the whole "virtual" classroom thing because nobody was leaving their beds anymore. They called it a Renaissance. People no longer depended on technology for anything. It was a return to earth. A return to nature. A retrurn to life.

Except that they were all zombies. Every.....single....one. When Lothar died, the evil pussy wounds began a plague that made people crave blood. They were now all living dead. THIS was the legacy of Lothar. This is what he had planned for us all. DEAD ALIVE.

This particular class had been alive for at least 2000 years. Bodies take alot of damage in that amount of time. Duct tape was a popular item.

So this, was the Everlasting Loop. The end of all things. Kinda anti-climactic, eh?

OR IS IT??????

Beans for Momma, A song by band Grassy Might Grow

2005-11-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

(sung to the tune of The Box)

Momma, see the beans with which we'll build our lives!
Magical beans make everything alright.
You see the kidney beans I’ve got?
I’ll plant them in a pot.

*Duh-Duh-DAH-DAH-Dunnnnnnnnnn*
*Duh-Duh-DAH-DAH-Dunnnnnnnnnn*

And there you stand you stupid fucking brat!
I’ll pistol-whip you. How’bout that?
I should have never slept with Scott
Oh by the way he’s your dad. Forgot!

*Bana-BUhnnnn, bana-buhnnnn, bana-bundeahdundaduh*

Your Boyfriend Scott’s outside the open dooooooooooooor!

Your Dad is Scott
You stupid whore!
Told you I had seen-your-boyfriend-before
Don’t shout,
Scream,
Be cranky.
You slept with your dad, it wasn’t me
Yeah! He’s got scabbies!
Told-you-not-to-sleep-with-the-elderly
They tend to have crabs and HIV

CRABS AND H-I-VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

DEAD ALIVE

2005-10-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

Zombies.

Oh...You didn't know?

Before his death and with the financing from his Homeless Jimsons chain of hotels, Lothar was able to create the dreaded Pee-Virus...A serum that gives life to the lifeless.

THAT'S RIGHT BABY! LOTHAR IS DEAD ALIVE!

That's what Lothar WOULD have said, but he forgot to take the Pee-Serum before dying, thus keeping him dead.

FUCK!!!

2005-10-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

That's IT! You're DEAD!!! Shut the hell up! DEAD! DEAD!! DEAD Get it? DEAD!! No more Homeless Jim, No more Angus tormenting you....You're DEAD...fuckin' deader the dead can be!

FUCK! So shut the hell up...You're dead...thats it....end of story...you're one dead mofo...

Shut up...

The End!

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGG!

2005-10-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

FUCKIN' STAY DOWN!!! God Dammit! I'll kill you! I'll kill everyone you know! I'm gonna come down there and rip off your arms and legs and shove them into any hole I can find! NOW YOU STAY Down before I really get mad!

FUCK!

The end!

AND STAY DOWN!!!

2005-10-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

you cock-munching turd-spatula! If you don't stay down I'm gonna come down there and beat your face in and when I'm done with you I'm gonna take a dump on you and wipe my ass with your face now STAY DOWN! FUCK!!

DID YOU HEAR ME?

2005-10-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

I said shut the hell up! NOW! Fuck! I don't want to hear another god damn word! Shut it..NOW!

The End

The deadest dead Lothar who ever died and made dead noises because he's dead and dead people don't make noises so shut the hell up.

2005-10-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

tHE eND

The Deadest Dead Lothar who ever Died

2005-10-20T04:36:00.000-07:00

"Och aye...He's Deed an' Ah dinna get ta kell 'im. Ah was gonnee too but och! tha dumb bastard tripped and cracked has head right open"

Angus stood over the body of Lothar the Lotharian for the last time.

"Och Lothar, ye would'ne be comin' ba' fro tha deed thas time. As too bad ye had ta die like pansy. As much as I dinna li you, ye did deserve better. Och, Ah'm no gonnee pee on ye'er corpse thas time. Think of it as ye'er last due"

The body of Lothar bore the signs of freeway abuse. He had tripped over his shoelace fleeing from Angus and fell into on-coming traffic. Angus was sad. He really wanted to smack Lothar around ever since Lothar started changing things in the world. It started with Lotha-cola but that didn't bother Angus very much since he didn't drink coke. Cap'n Crunchits was a minor inconvienience because Angus liked a bowl of Cap'n Crunch after a hard night of drinking. There was alway the cheap knock-off brands..Sergent Crisp and the like.

But when Angus went to the distillery to find McAllens scotch had become McLothars Angus went ballistic. The plan was brute force. Angus knew where to find Lothar so he fought his way through to Lothars inner sanctum. Hundreds of guards, acolytes, priests were dead. Angus just kept on coming and Lothar saw there was no stopping him so he ran and he tripped and he fell.

And now, He's dead Jim..

Lothar Sucks

2005-09-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

So Lothar was out of a job again. He didn’t seem to be able to get a break this time around. Maybe it was the sensationalist media frenzy he created with ridiculous posters and television shows. Maybe it was quantity vs quality. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t target the Dairy Farmers in his marketing strategy. I don’t know.

One thing was certain….He was jobless.

Lothar checked his Hotmail one last time before they would shut his internet connection down. He laughed when he saw the e-mail from Bum Crunchits:

Lothar. Stop. Being attacked by wild boars in Venezuela. Stop. Befriended local boy Rafael Rodriguez to be my guide. Stop. Found the Temple of the Totem. Stop. Please meet me. Stop. Please bring my box of condoms. Stop. I have herpes. Stop. I will always love you. Stop. I meant I will always hate you for calling me Bum Crunchits.

Things go bad

2005-09-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

To: lothar@kingoftheworld.com

From: executivemailto:executivecommittee@kingoftheworld.com

Subject: Urgent Message

Your Excellency,

Due to downsizing of the world population caused by the mass suicides upon the declaration of your arrival, we will need to cut your hours. Drastically. Like…to none. But only by month’s end!

Also, due to a glitch in our system, you will not be paid for the last month of your tenure. Of course, we expect you to attend work anyhow. This is a matter of principle.

Anyway….no hard feelings, right?

Good luck in the future,

Luci Ronalfo

Automatic Syndication

2005-09-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

Yes...Fox did it again. After the failed attempts at When Lothar Attacks and So you want to marry Lothar, Fox decide to go with their only success....ever....

And still the Lotharian sheds a tear

2005-09-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

After many many years of Mantrimony...(YES I mean MANtrimony you bigotted jerks, you know, when a man and another man get married...MANtrimony...FUCK! grow up already! It's legal in Ott..er...Bum Towne) Lothar still wasn't quite over the loss of Homeless Jim. No, There would have to be one last tribute to Homeless Jim. Something BIG...Something he'd like...

Lothar Set his sights on Howard Johnson's across North America and he renamed them to:There was something satisfying about naming a hotel chain after a guy who never had a home. Lothar had alway promised Homless Jim that one day he'd have a home...He could have given him a home at any time really but Lothar was a Lazy ass and really was just using Homeless Jim for the sex. "It's Funny" Lothar thought "I really miss him now that he's gone...Maybe I really did care for him."

Coming to a Galaxy near you in 2006

2005-09-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

Bon Jovi - Live at the Corel Centre!

2005-09-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

As Lothar was the king of the world, he could choose his capital. Ottawa was renamed By Towne and was the seat of the throne....of the world...possibly the earth...or Gaia, you know, the planet.

By Towne was then renamed to Bum Towne and all the people living in Ott...- I mean Bum Towne - had to be homeless. This was the final tribute to Homeless Jim, his deceased Bum-husban. Yes, they were secretly wed in a ceremony in the alley next to Moni Mahal Indian Buffet (reknown for thier fraggrant cabage smells).

Anyway....Bon Jovi!

They were live in support of the Lotharian administration (they were Lothar's favorite band) at the Corel Centre (later renamed Bum Towne Bowl). Opening for Bon Jovi were The Probes (with lead front man Pedro - Juan Montenegro-Montoya's boy) and they ROCKED! Oh my god! I haven't seen a show like that since the Backstreet Boys rocked the Corel...er...I mean the By Towne Bowl.

Bon Jovi recorded their live version of Dead or Alive and it became the slogan of the new Lotharian administration.

"THIS concert is a benefit concert! YOU are BENEFITING if you do your civic duty and kill or maim Sam Jackson and FunnyBunny...enemies of the state!" screamed Richie Sambora. "All praise Lothar and the Principles of LothSoc!"

I'm still hearing those beautiful harmonies in my head...like angels.

I'm a cowboy! On a steel horse I ride! And I'm wanted (WAAAAAAAAAAANET) DEAD OR ALIVE"

I'm the cowboy, my dear. I will always love you,

With my best, kiss Mum & Dad,

Egan

Ruling the world is a tough job....

2005-09-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

Lothar needed some help....but there was only one man he could turn to...his #2 Bum Crunchits. But he needed to win the people over somehow. People needed to look at Bum and think "Authority". The key was marketing...Always the marketing. Lothar Launched a similar marketing campaign to his own for Bum:

Bum would rule the lower half of planet earth and report to Lothar. It was perfect...

Hitting the Market with Product Placement

2005-09-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Lothar was brilliant! He hit the world were it was weakest...their desire to buy in mass quantities. Coupled with death threats, this prove to be an excellent strategy.

In Times Square, one could marvel at Lotharian Pop-culture:

Twiddy McNipples and the Gets Rebellion

2005-09-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

After the fall of Paul The Ambiguous, former Gets leader, the Gets saw the systematic death of Get Culture. All Gets died. Suddenly. And without apparent reason. Okay, maybe there was a reason, but it is not told in this story. Maybe it is because of laziness. Yes, actually, it is because of laziness.

Twiddy McNipples was the last Get. The Get gene would die with him.

Named by a bastard prostitute of a mother, Ric Sama McNipples, Twiddy was definitely an outcast among the Gets. He had those saucer-sized nipples that stuck out about an inch and were a foot in diameter. You know, like in the low-budget porn you find in your dad’s “personal stash” next to his Old Man weed. This scared most people and also a majority of farm animals.

Now for those who don’t know, I’m getting fucking tired of re-explaining it, so pay attention. Gets were put on this earth to destroy Lothar. Good? Gravy!

“I dinna ken why your nips are so huge, Twiddy, but seeing as yer th’ last of the Gets, yer’all a’ have. And with a name lik’ McNipples, ya mus’ have some scot in ya.” Said Mysterious-Scottish-man who is obviously Angus McDougall but we don’t want to give it away as it would ruin the surprise….

…aw fuck.

From the web

2005-09-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Lothar the Lotharian Proclaimed King of the World
New World Order Incites Mixed Responses From Residents Of Planet Earth

Spiceolina - New Lower Granola (LNN formerly CNN)
September 13th, 2005

There was rioting and celebration across the planet this evening as the people of planet Earth reacted to the news of Lothar the Lotharian proclaiming total domination over the planet. The planet has divided inot three main groups. Supporters of Lothars Rule, opposition to Lothars Rule and an equal number of people who don't know what to think or are ignorant of this dramatic development.

Lothars minions have their hands full this evening dealling with dissidents and celebrators alike as the world plunges into chaos. Supporters are clashing with rioters. As well, in some areas the rioters are causing damage to the infrastructure. Many people are caught between the suppoters and the dissidents. Rioters have enven managed to pull down one of the great erections that lothar has built up in the short few days of his rise to power. Lotharian News Network took to the streets this evening to get the scoop.

When asked what he though of recent developments:

Conrad Fretsch replied: "I think it's just great how that Lothar stood up to that Bush and his erections are phenominal too! YaY Lothar!!"

Twiddy McNipples said: "It's is a dark dark day! I find Lothars erections to be obscene and ill-proportioned. I can not stand idly by while the world falls under his dark spell"

An unidentified man was quoted as saying? "Whaa? Ye men this id'ne scoland anymoore? Whas Happaned? You there! tell me was appened?"

we at LNN didn't really know what the unidentified man was saying but we thought it would be funny to include it anyway. Praise Lothar..

Why doeth Lothar Cry?

2005-09-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

When it was all said and done, Lothar cried. He thought of HJ. He thought of the priceless memories they shared and how he never told him that HE LOVED HIM.

Something had to be done. But what? How could he honour HJ’s memory? What was the firt thing that came to mind?

An erection.

A large erection. Larger than any of the erections of Michael J Fox set forth by the Lotharian administration in the past.

For the sake of this story, Lothar is once again the king of the world. We would rather skip the boring and tedious 30 minutes it took for him to rise to power as it is a long story.

As a matter of fact…let’s skip the fact that he mobilized the entire population of Lower Granola (the US renamed on day 2 of his return) to build the erection in Spicelonia (Formerly known as Texas, renamed after the Lotharian regime’s most popular drink, Old Spice).

So the erection is up and Lothar is back, blah, blah.

Yet Angus was nowhere to be seen

One Last round for HJ

2005-09-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Lothar had decided it was time to return. The world new it, he knew it and so did Martha Stewart. That bitch was going down too.

He decided that the means of his comeback would not be as conventional as Goat Cheese production....OH NO, children. Lothar was going into show business. He would launch his new music carrer through something they called Podcasting.

But first, he had to poop.

The scream heard 'round the World...

2005-09-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

“LOTHAR IS BACK BABY! AND THIS TIME, NOBODY CAN STOP ME!”

As soon as this was heard by Nancy The Crackhead, she screamed out in Terror. "LOTHAR HAS RETURNED!".

Thus the world, the world's biggest rumour mill, would discover the return of Lothar within about 15 minutes (it aired on CNN).

Homeless Jim Loves Lothey OR The Other Other Return Of Lothar

2005-09-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

25 years later….

“How you outlived me, Lothey, is beyond comprehension” said Homeless Jim

25 years had passed since the two companions met. Lothar the Lotharian, former master of the world and Brie Cheese producer, had fallen from grace. He’d died and returned to earth in such a fashion that one would think the story was false and full of plot holes. But like a badly written Marvel comic book, he came back to life. But this time, things had changed. Things were…well…different.

He hadn’t wanted to rule the world because the world was a place he no longer knew. He came from a different time. A time were the man who “held the cheese” held the power. Today, cheese was not a valuable commodity and, having been a bum for 25 years, he knew that cheese WILL go moldy. He knows because this is the cheese he ate.

“It’s all the aftershave I drank, HJ” Lothar called Homeless Jim HJ because he felt bad about the “Homeless” title given to his old friend. “That, and the fact that I have lived for nearly 202500 years…or so.”

“Fuck me sideways, Lothey. I thought there was something queer about you. And by queer, I mean strange. Not gay. Though I know you are gay cause we slept together. Actually…technically you could be Bi, but I don’t really know much of your sexual past.” said Homeless Jim.

“Oh no, HJ, I’m quite gay. And by gay, I don’t mean Homosexual, but happy. But technically, I am a homosexual as well, if you take my meaning.” Replied Lothar

“Have a last swig of ‘Spice wif me, Lothey?” Yes…Homeless Jim was dying

They swigged from the bottle with the Sailboat on it. “1982 vintage, yer Magesty!” Homeless Jim would say. Now HJ was dead. Dead and deceased…and had possibly passed on.

Lothar stood up. There was much to do. He had learned the ways of the world today and his enemies would assume he never made it back from Hell (Oh, you don’t remember? Check it out here)

That was their first mistake.

25 years of panhandling and a gay love affair with a homeless man would result in the accumulation of a vast fortune the likes of which rich capitalists everywhere would be proud of.

“LOTHAR IS BACK BABY! AND THIS TIME, NOBODY CAN STOP ME!”

Except maybe Angus….

And the Gets….

And maybe Luci….

Possibly Sam Jackson.

Concentration causes envy

2005-08-31T06:35:00.001-07:00

It is also said that envious men are more likely to masturbate than men who concentrate on not masturbating. Studies show:

-Juice causes concentration
-Some loins produce fruit (ex: Apples)
-Some seals will use ziplock bags
-Some tacks have thumbs
-It is said that tacks have ticks
-The short form for Domenic is Dom. Some are free, some are slaves

*Please note that these studies were only conducted at a local level and do not represent the global studies done in….errr…the world.

Masturbation causes blindness

2005-08-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

Or so I've heard...

Masturbation causes blindness... I have some questions

What if you're engaged in mutual masturbation. Do you both go blind?
Is the blindness effect limited to the masterbator or the maturbatee?
Is it permanent blindness?
Can the blindness be prevented in such a way that one is still able to masturbate? Say by using gloves?
Is there an amount of time you need to masturbate to cause blindness?
Can it be used as a weapon against the terrorists?
If you shake more then twice does that count as masturbation and will you go blind?
What if you masturbate in your sleep? Does that count?

Now, I have to poo...goodbye

ATTENTION WORLD!!!!

2005-08-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Dear World:

George W. Bush trips my "Gaydar"

Thank you, that is all.

Mai-Tyet Poun and the court jester

2005-08-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

Mai-Tyet Poun, Queen of the Noble House of Ohr-gasum in the land of Pounanie, was laid out on the bed.

Frankie the Loose, her court jester was in her room to entertain her. He was really licking this job. He could really get his hands dirty with this one. He really licked it.

Mai-Tyet Poun enjoyed Frankie’s will to please his Queen. He was a great jester and an even better master baiter for the Royal Navy. She liked master baiting. It was an art.

Though she was a Queen, she liked the cumming peephole and didn’t like to be spooge-fed. Refined as she was, she could also enjoy rubbing andblows with the cumming peephole and often played Sucker with them, or Footballs to the foreigners. She was fair and powerful as well as she had once endured blow after blow of the strongest Seamen and still swallowed further adversity. Indeed, she loved her peephole. Frankie the Loose was no exception. He loved the Queen’s peephole as well and when he was naturalised, the came in her circle of peephole.

Frankie was pleased by the Queen……………………………………….‘s allowing him into her peephole. But Frankie came in too late and made a mess of things. He would have to answer to the Royal Cleaning lady, responsible for the well being of Her Magesty’s peephole. Her name was Ric-Samma Crit.

The Amazing, Incredible Adventures of The Sarcastor

2005-06-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Episode 5

"Owww my head!! What the hell happened?!?!" Sean, said slightly groggy.

"You got your ass handed to you by that Sarcastor Dude" Jamie answered.

"Fuck! Where the hell are we?"

"mmmm...Jail" Jamie answered nonchalantly.

"JAIL?!? WTF?!?! JAIL?!?!? How did we get to be in jail? Wait!!! Did anyone rape me in the bum?" Sean sounded slightly panicked.

Jamie smiled and said "...Maaaaaaybe" In the corner of the cell that Sean could now see since his vision was clearing up, a large fat man winked at him. He was obviously named Tiny.

"EW!! DUDE! GROSS!"

Jamie laughed.

"...ew...EW!!...Uh...So how did we get here again?"

"I turned us in" Jamie said.

"You did what?!?! Are you nuts?!"

"Well, I mean, you were like twitching on the ground with your brain leaking out of your ear and that dude said turn myself in. I'm not down with that freaky twitching thing so I turned myself in rather then end up like you."

"it was bad eh?" Asked Sean..

"Yeah.. there was No F'ing wayI was going up against that dude man...you like peed yourself and were talking about 'how great your nads were before the accident'..."

"I guess I was wrong about you then. You aren't dumb enough to resist The Sarcastor" Sean said.

"Thanks...I think...Hey, wait a minute...You knew he'd be there?"

"I thought he might show." Said Sean

"hmmmm..Thought he might show...Thought He Might Show. Hey, that would be a decent band name!!" Jamie said..

"Jesus!!! Give it up already! I told you a million times: We're not starting a Band!!!" Sean was starting to get agitated.

"Come on man! We could get chicks.."

"Really?"

"Well, Um, I could get chicks...you're probably gonna have some sexual issues for a little while"

"Forget it then!!" Sean said.

"Fine...What's the deal with this Sarcastor dude anyway?"

"Well," said Sean "I guess I have to start from the beginning...."

The Amazing, Incredible Adventures of The Sarcastor

2005-06-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

Episode 2: The Uneventful, un-dramatic Adventures of Sean and Jamie

As Sean and Jamie sat watching the re-runs of The Highlander series, it occurred to Sean that Jamie was slightly stupid:

“Guy….I told you before….HE CUTS OFF THEIR HEADS BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO KILL THEM!” Screamed Sean

“But why is he wearing a ponytail? He doesn’t look like a girl. Why the pretty scruchies in his hair?” said Jamie

“Cause he’s a scot! A centuries old scot! He can have long hair if he likes BECAUSE HE IS SCOTTISH and we can do whatever we want. Example: Kilts”

“What’s a kilt?”

“Fuck off” Sean was done with this conversation.

It then occurred to Sean that Jamie may just be stupid enough to resist The Sarcastor’s power. Yessssssssssssss. If he could make up some elaborate plan to get The Sarcastor’s attention…like a robbery….then fake being out sacarsmed (sure…he made up that word) and feint a faint….it might just work…..

Then he would have his revenge on The Sarcastor for the pain he caused him.

Yes. Jamie was key. He could resist, because he was stupid. Stupid and dumb. Maybe even semi-moronic.

And we all know what The Sarcastor thought of morons.

The Amazing, Incredible Adventures of The Sarcastor

2005-06-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

Episode 4

The Sarcastor patrolled the streets of Downtown Lower Granola. There was never anything more then a petty break-in or a mugging going on. The Sarcastor didn't mind. He didn't have the ambitious desires of other so called "superheros" He wasn't all about saving the world from evil. That kinda thing was waaaay to dramatic for him and usually brought him trouble at the awards ceremony because his "powers" would get the better of him and he'd undoubtably say something that would get him booed off the stage.

No, No, the lower rungs of crimefighting suited him just fine (excuse the pun and, in case you didn't get it becasue you're stupid, it was the "suited" comment) "I'm surrounded by morons" The sarcastor thought to himself, but noone was actually around him in the immediate vicinity so he actually meant the rest of the world when he said "surrounded by morons".

The comment itself was a bit ironic in that, one of the only ways to resist the power of The Sarcastor was to be so moronic as to not understand sarcasm, rendering the moronic person completely invulnerable to the Sarcastor's power. Fortunately, most petty criminals were not that stupid. In fact the only people who could resist The Sarcastors power lived in "special homes"

The night was late. It had just rained. The Sarcastor was about to call it a night when low and behold, he spotted some petty criminals breaking into a local store. Two men had broken a store front window of the local radioshack (now called "The Source" by Circuit City) and were loading the goods into a large grey van.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" said the Sarcastor.

The shorter of the two men looked at his buddy. "Dude, It's the Sarcastor!!"

"The Sarcawhat? Sean, What the hell are you talking about? We don't have time for this crap we've gotta get this stuff to Ben!" said the taller guy

"He's that guy! The superhero dude. You know! The one who doesn't fight."

The Sarcastor spoke next, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the "uber-scary" Sarcastor here to bust your ass for petty crime. Look ladies, why don't you make this easy on yourselves and put all that stuff back and I'll forget I saw you. I'm dying to get out of this superhero suit. It kinda chafes when it gets wet. Oh, and leave a cheque for the window you broke..."

"Ha Ha Ha, That's pretty funny Sarcastor..." Said the tall guy.

"Oh geeze! Spare me would ya? Every single time I stop one of you bozos from commiting a petty crime you all do the same thing and try to out-sarcast me. Can't we just for once have it such that I walk in and tell you to stop and you say "OK Mr. Sarcastor, Sir." then everyone goes away happy. I guess that would be too much to ask from a couple of bozo's like you."

"Heh, Heh, Heh. Hey Jamie, He called you a bozo!!" Said Sean.

"Shut up man! He called you A bozo too." Jamie replied.

"Heeeeey!!" Sean said.

"Ok then! Now that we've figured out that you're both bozos. Are we gonna do this the easy way or the hard way? Oh hey, Wait a minute...I forgot! You're both Bozos. The hard way it is.." Jeered the Sarcastor.

"I've had enough of this clown." said Jamie. "Sean, Why don't you use your Hia Dong fu-jit-su or whatever it is and chop this guy up."

"Where's the sword?" said Sean.

"Back of the van".

Sean dissapeared into the back of the van for a moment and emerged with a Japanese Samurai sword.

"Whoooaaaa! That's a pretty big knife you got there buddy. Are you maybe compensating for something?" The Sarcastor said.

"No!" Sean's response was quick.

"I mean, A short guy like you might have a lot to compensate for. I've seen it all before..It's always the short guys carrying the really big guns or driving the huge SUVs or, in your case, waving around an extraodinarily large knife like it's your penis. I bet your tall buddy over there has a knife that's half the size of yours...maybe even less. You know what they say eh? Short man, short **. The Sarcastor grinned as he made the honking noise.

"Shut up! it's a sword! it's a standard length!"

The Sarcastor seemed slightly phased by this comment but he continued on.. relentless. "Shut up! it's a sword!" He said mockingly.

"I'm gonna cut you!" Sean screamed.

"ohhhhhh!.. *Now* you're gonna cut me! I was getting a little tired of waiting ya know. I thought you were having some problems holding up that big sword! But, being a first date and all I didn't want to embarass you too much. Does your girlfriend know about these problems?!"

"Shut up man! Don't talk about my girlfriend!" screamed Sean. He was also turning red.

"Oh I'm sorry, You're right! An ugly bozo such as yourself probably doesn't see much action with the ladies...maybe you prefer your buddy over there. He looks pretty girly."

"Heeeey!" Said Jamie.

"Oh, I'm sorry! are you not getting enough attention? The Sarcastor always has enough love to go around..."

Sean turned redder. The Sarcastor stood back and watched as Sean skin changed from red to blue and eventually collapsed from a combination of exertion and frustration.

"Well...looks like your buddy couldn't go the distance..but I bet you knew that already eh?"

"Uh...look man, Um I'm sorry, please don't do that to me.." Jamie said.

"Tell ya what. You put all that stuff back and walk yourself over to the police station and turn yourself in. I've hd a rough night and my superhero pants are chaffing. Oh, and take your buddy with you."

"Ok Mr. Sarcastor, Sir..."

The Sarcastor wandered off into the night thinking..."Now, who is Ben?"

A lone calculator sits

2005-06-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

The Victor 1100 model calculator sat on the analysts desk to be turned on, but it was night time and he was solar-powered.

A rather Chinese thought

2005-06-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

As Chi-Wa Dong typed his last fortune cookie scroll before his long awaited retirement, he contemplated the message he wrote:

You will die from a typing accident on your retirement day.

Police Brutality

2005-06-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

As he was beaten over the head with the billy-club, William, not only felt the sting, but he also felt the irony of being named William and being hit by a billy-club.

An impression....

2005-06-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*bang!*aaaaa*bang!*aaaaaaaaaaa*bang!*aaah!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA*BANG!! BANG!!!*AAAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAAAAAA*BANG!*AAAAAAA*BANG!*AAAAAAAAA*meow*aaaaah?
AAAAAAAAAAAAA*BANG!! BANG!! BANG!!*AAAAAAAAAAAAA*meow*aaaaah?

*silence*

AAAAAAAA*meow*aah! *silence*

AAAAAAH *meow*

AA.. *meow*

*silence*

AA..*meow*

*meow*

"Nice kitty"

Entitled: Man throws angry fit in presence of tabby cat.

Office abnormalities

2005-06-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

Hi. You might not know me but you surely recognize me.

Yes, it is me. I'm that guy who still dresses like he is 16, still, you don't want to tell me or say a stupid comment because you're kinda scared. Is it those aggressive metal riffs you can clearly hear when I'm on the elevator with you, rocking out my iPod? Is it the fact that I use a longboard as transportation and you find that "unconventional"? Maybe it's my 6'2", 200 pound body that scares you? Or is it the skull on my shirt?

No, I've never kiled anyone. I have hardly ever done wrong to someone. I always thought that goodness brings good karma, so far, I've been right. Yet, I clearly sense that everytime I pass by, you judge me. Big news; I'm probably smarter than you, work harder and will have your job before you know it. Start filling out some motherfucking application because I'm not the only one coming your way...

The musings of the quiet guy

2005-06-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

I am not cool to them. They know I am cool, but they find me weird.

I sometimes say things that get awkward reactions from my peers/colleagues. Things like “that would be wicked” or “For real, yo!”

I have a piercing and slightly spiky hair.

They think I’m a communist…or worse…an atheist. They are usually right on both counts.

They think that because I am a musician in my spare time that I sleep around with groupies, when in fact I have never had one (in both meanings).

They make a big fuss when I am seen in a shirt & tie.

They like that I know stuff, but can’t see me moving up because I’m a pierced communist-atheist-musician.

They think that I am “sensitive” and are afraid that if they offend me, I will go into a mad frenzy.

They think I can solve their home computer issues. I probably can, but I don’t like to offer.

They get freaked out when I listen to loud music in my headphones and can’t hear them.

I am “the miracle man” when you need something.

Next time you pass…don’t say hi…ask me “’Sup?”

When I think of endings....

2005-06-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder...."How much longer can we keep this stupidity up?".

Then I remember that I am a failed writer and this is my last outlet.

I sometimes cry.

When I think of incompetence...

2005-06-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

I think of Lothar the Lotharian. No matter how hard he tries or how infallible his plan is, someone always comes along and screws it up...it's usually me.

When I think of breathing...

2005-06-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

I once got my tongue caught on a metal railing in the winter. My mom used her breath to try to pry it off, put in the end a dull knife worked much better.

When I think of condemnation...

2005-06-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

Does such a country exist where condems are free and sentient beings? I may have misunderstood the concept of condemnation but I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve of it in any case.

When I think of rams...

2005-06-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Mountain goats are interesting, but I bet they have severe brain damage from all that head-butting. Being the curious person I am, I asked Brenda, the Goat.

When she just said: "Behhhhhhh", I knew that goats have brain-damage.

When I think of Death...

2005-06-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

Once I saw this really overweight chick in a bikini. I got shivers. Then she ran on the beach.

I wished, for a moment that I were dead.

When I think of strength...

2005-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

I once saw an ant lifting a piece of cracker. I mean like half a cracker. I bet you it was like 50 or 100 times his weight.

I was hungry, so I ate the weight-lifting ant because I don't like crackers.

When I think of celebrity musicians

2005-06-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there is some old rich guy in Japan named Hiro who offers musicians HUGE amounts of money to write songs about him. I bet he totally gets off on hearing Enrique Iglasias sing "I would be your Hiro, baby" or the Foo fighters "There goes my Hiro..." or Ben Folds "My name is Hiro I am 51..." If my name was Hiro and I was a rich Japanese man I'd pay musicians to write about me too.

When I think of facial hair...

2005-06-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I think I could grow a wicked-assed fu-man-chu to sport while I'm performing my deadly kung-fu moves except that I don't really know any deadly kung-fu moves. I mean, I know kung-fu...and not like Keeanu Reeves *knows kung-fu* either. I trained but I just don't know anything really deadly. I always felt like my teacher held back the super-secret kung-fu moves from me because I didn't grow a wicked-assed fu-man-chu. The thing was, I was more interested in girls then kung-fu at the time. Now, I'm looking to make things right again and learn those secret moves...starting today.

When I think of flatulence...

2005-06-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

I often wonder if it really is possible to die from spontaneous combustion. I think I came close to it once after I ate a big pot of spicy chili and some sugar-free candies from baskin robbins. I was in so much pain the next morning I had to stay home from work just so I could sit on the toilet. I dropped a huge smelly load and I felt much better by noon so I played with playstation 2 and tried to forget the flatulence that almost killed me.

When I think of work...

2005-06-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

I multiply the number of trips to the bathroom I make in a day by 10 minutes and then add 1 hour for lunch and authorized breaks then I add the number of times I go for a walk multiplied by 20 minutes. Then I divide that amount by 8 hours but I never get to the answer because I get tired after the first multiplication and decide to go for a walk and that throws off the entire calculation. I think I might be a slacker but I'm too lazy to figure it out.

When I think of entertainment...

2005-06-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

I think George Lucas should make a movie about a guy with a double chin who grows a beard to hide it but the beard also hides a secret about the double chin. If the guys beard is ever shaved then his double chin will consume the world. There should be intriguing plot twists and characters that kids will like but in the end the guy shaves his beard and the chin eats the world. It would be a bad movie but it would be entertaining to see George Lucas ruin his career.

When I think of innovation...

2005-06-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

I think of all the inventions I thought of but never made because I didn't know enough about explosives.

When I think of healthy living...

2005-06-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

I think of my pancreas. Lost and alone in the cold; suffering. For brief moment, I feel pity for my pancreas then I remember it was my pancreas that left me! Dammit! This makes me angry so I grab my guitar and write a nasty song about it and then I feel better. I have over 3000 nasty songs about my pancreas.

When I think of thieves...

2005-06-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

I remember that one time I got my radio and Mini-Disc - it was back in the days, a MD was actually a good thing- stolen. I wanted to kill those thieves... Heck, I even plotted to come back to the same spot, leave my car unlocked and wait in the bushes with a baseball bat until they would come back... then I figured I didn't have a life to waste waiting and got over it. I don't like people who steal stuff that's not theirs!

When I think of crying...

2005-06-07T13:24:00.000-07:00

I remember that I don't...
I don't cry, I work out!

When I think of humbleness...

2005-06-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

I see myself

When I think of soberness...

2005-06-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

I remember that one night last week, I decided not to smoke

When I think of girls...

2005-06-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

I get a boner

When I think of fun...

2005-06-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

I see a bottle of booze and a couple of chicks with tittties!

When I think of her....

2005-06-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

I hate this one woman so much that I actually saw my unborn children in her eyes.

My unborn children were killing her.

When I think of logs...

2005-06-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

I was on the toilet last week when I got a call from a telemarketer. I kept shitting as I spoke to him.

When I think of options...

2005-06-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

If McDonalds really took the "McPukes" thing seriously, do you think they would start serving McBarff Burgers? Would it come in a combo, or just a limited time burger?

When I think of speaking...

2005-06-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

When I was a a kid, I often heard: "Next time you think of speaking...why don't you do the bloody world a favour and shut the hell up? Heihn?"

My mom was british, hence the use of the word "bloody"

When I think of torture...

2005-06-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

I was on the bus and this hot girl walked on. I thought she was great, except she liked the Backstreet Boys.

I boffed her anyway, but I was dirty about it.

When I think of details...

2005-06-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

Last week, when I was watching Alien Vs Predator and the Face-hugger ressembled a vagina, I remembered that look on your mother's face when I asked her if she knew who your father was.

In my opinion, I don't think she does. THAT is a huge detail.

When I think of longing...

2005-06-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

My whole life, I always wanted to deck one of my best friends when they least expected it. Imagine the look on their face!

When I think of restraint...

2005-06-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

I often heard "Had your mom not been wearing that hot dress, you wouldn't have been born and I would be a happy man!" as a young child.

When I think of pain….

2005-06-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

I remember falling and hurting myself. As I started to pass out as the pain was unbearable, when I noticed that a man stole my wallet.

Later I asked Mom why Dad was back in town, cause I really wanted my wallet back.

When I think of revenge...

2005-06-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

I think of that scene from the Wizard of Oz where the wicked witch says "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!". I think that if I was a wicked witch I'd want to get Dorothy and her little dog as well. I mean, Even if I wasn't a wicked witch and some asshole just dropped a house on my sister I'd be pretty pissed. I'd get them and their little dog too. There would be no planning involved I'd just go medieval right then and there. Little dogs and all the forest creatures...I'd get them all except maybe the ones that are a lot bigger then I am. Like bears and cougars. I don't think I'd stand much of a chance against bears and cougars.